night terror

I have nightmares.

Terrifying dreams that I am awake.
 Only to wake up into another dream.
Another dream in which I am asleep.

Last night I dreamed of him.
Of you.

I dreamed I couldn't start my car.
Try as I might, the engine would not turn over.
And I wanted to go.
I was ready.

I became frustrated.
Screaming with the full force of my rage.

Screaming always reminds me that I am asleep.
My subconscious mind trying to wake my conscious self up.

This has become very familiar.
I could hear myself screaming to wake up.

Wake up I did.
I had been sleeping in the backseat of my car.
He was driving.

It was dark.
I couldn't see where I was going.

I realized the reason I couldn't start my car
Was because I had been asleep the whole time.
And he.
He was driving my car.

...
I let that really sink in.
...

I could not move forward because he was still in control.

I give myself the best advise in dream.
My soul.
Dear universe,
Is the best teacher.

The lesson here is two-fold.
The first is that I know I can wake myself up from a dream.
Awake or asleep.

The second lesson is
I am aware now
Aware that I was still asleep
Letting my past drive my future.

I started to force my screaming.
It is really hard to scream in reality
When you are still asleep.

I screamed and screamed
Until I could hear my faint whimper.
I could feel my soft pillow.
I could feel the cold
Where my blanket had slid off
Of me in the night.

I opened my eyes.
In the darkness of the night
Stars shining brightly out my window
I could not tell the difference
between the lightness of day.

Somewhere.
Someplace.
He is still out there.
You are still out there.
I send my love
daily

Those moments in the day
I still see
I love you

I see I am driving my own car.
I feel it startle to life.

My voice past fear of the darkness.
My sound with the courage of all that I am.