Where does my day go that I cannot post a picture and write a few thoughts.
I think the trouble still is that my thoughts are many and intertwined, however that is the whole purpose of this project. To practice speaking out.
So, with a week's worth of diligent work, I have cleared the cluttered corners of all of my rooms to make space for the new. In so doing, in exhaustion, I have come to the realization that I am finally in a good place to be for awhile. The word coast came to mind, but it has a lazy connotation. I was at my river spot photographing damselflies (they are getting friendly with me) when a huge commotion sounded upstream. Time stood still. My senses were overwhelmed. My ears heard the air from each feathered stroke. I felt the wind as a red tailed hawk soared so close then swooped up and over my head. He showed me, as if I had forgotten, how fierce it felt to fly. And then I knew. All I really need to do is let go of any remnants of the past, remove-delete, it has all been cleaned and gleaned. This moment I have been preparing for is here. I have lost some friendships and it really is quite sad. There were days I cried for you, in remembrance. No matter how much I still care, those times are gone. I am not the same person I was a year ago, I am not even the same person I was two months ago. The changes they come so quickly. I cling to my compassion.
It can be confusing (and exhausting) to constantly be bombarded with those who might oppose. I don't understand anyone that claims to have compassion for all, when they really mean compassion for some. I don't understand those who claim to love, as long as they get what they want. When you love someone for who they are, you support their journey out of respect. Because if you only love when things are easy or when the light shines your way, that is only selfish love. Which is fine, as long as you are clear about it only being love to stroke your ego. But will you be? You can lie to yourself as much as you want, but the truth will always be there staring you in the face.
I also do not understand those who question my compassion, or feel the need to test it. Call me different from anyone you have ever met, then expect me to treat you the way others have in your past. I do not understand when people say to me, "would you rather I lash out in violence?" Why does this even occur to people? I feel sick just having negative thoughts.
I do not understand how words from someone I do not know can fill me with such sadness, such anxiety, that I feel physically sick. Go ahead and test, go ahead and doubt. It is because of these people that I get a chance to practice speaking up for myself. I can prove to myself who I really am. I do not need words of projection from anyone any longer. And that feels really good.
These last few months I have so many regrets. I feel like I have aged four years in four weeks. I won't be the same. There is no going back. Nothing to long for, no comfort. But there will be peace.
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