As he towered above me,
I pleaded on my knees, soaked in tears of confusion for him to see me, hear my words, to feel the strength of my love coursing out to his anger-masked pain.
That harsh reality of his words could have killed me. I nearly let them. Mascara bleeding from my spidery lashes, his mirror was cold and relentless. "You just love to play the victim, don't you?" "Oh, boo hoo!" Looking at myself through his eyes, I was hollow, weak, unsure of myself.
Burdened by inexperience, I swallowed every single word. I could not let it go. The harsh brutality of his question shattered my sea glass heart. How could he not see what was so plain to me? Why didn’t he believe the answers I gave him? Who was this person he showed me cowering on her knees? Where was the strong person I knew myself to be?
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person that shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so out of control that you have to transform your life..." Elizabeth Gilbert
My first promise to myself:
To do everything, beginning and ending, with love.
Nothing made me feel more powerful. I stripped off my lipstick in direct defiance. The sticky stain did not make him respect me, no matter how dark it was. I did not need high heels to win his affection. That is when he first looked at me. Really saw me. The turning point.
Everything after that was eventual. The outcome inevitable.
Through my love for you, I want to express my love for the whole cosmos, the whole of humanity, and all beings. If I succeed in loving you, I will be able to love everyone and all species on Earth... This is the real message of love. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh.
He gave me a reason to prove my worth, my inner strength.
Not to him, but to me. Because he would not allow me to feel sorry for myself, I learned gratitude for my gifts of imperfection. I was deserving of love, pure unconditional love, simply because I exist. I didn’t have to earn it. From there came joy.
I could not hate him. He was deserving of the exact same love as I was. I saw all too clearly the pain he concealed deep within, even from himself. I wanted to protect him from himself. I wanted to shield him from the judgment of others for his mistakes in appreciation for the fire he had ignited deep inside of me.
I was strong, I could do it. I wanted to prove to the world that I could change our lives with love. I wanted to show him what true love could do. Building my new life on a foundation of compassion and empathy, the strength of my happiness only irritated him even more. Misery loves company, but I could bow down no longer.
Sometimes you have to realize you can keep someone in your heart, but not in your life. Not because you don't care, but because they don't.
I was neither weak nor pathetic. He mistook my compassion for weakness. my empathy for naivete, my love for foolishness. The strength and courage it took not just to survive, but to find happiness every day, in the face of such adversity leaves me fearless now.
Welcome to the Face-Your-Life Society!I faced my Medusa and conquered her, not with hate or stoic indifference, but with LOVE. Authentic, genuine, wholehearted love. I will never be what I was once was. I will never be what I might have been. But now I know who I am and why.
With that my ego has died.
I sewed up his lips and released him into the heavens tied with balloons. In the hollow spaces my male ego left, flooded feminine spectral light that refuses to be contained. Without ego holding me back, I can turn the volume up and dance filled with the song of myself.
No longer unsure.
No longer naive.
Strong because I was weak.
Joyful because I have gratitude.
*****
{Rise up}
