to run or not to run

Something happens when my feet hit the pavement.

…before you guess I am going to speak of the glory of running, let me stop you.

• I have to go to the bathroom
• My knee hurts
• My right hamstring is sore
• It’s too cold

My sympathetic nervous system kicks in and signals {screaming} my brain to

STOP!

THERE IS NO DANGER!

No need to run.

There are 84,000 other things I could be doing right now and for the entire first mile we are out every single excuse is going to present itself to the forefront of my mind.

I am a 35 year old single woman.

Not only do I want to be physically fit and healthy, but I sit at a desk for eight hours a day five days a week.  After work, I go home and spend another two or three hours behind my laptop doing school work through an online degree program.  My body craves activity.  I need to feel my blood pumping through every capillary, breathe fresh air, exhale the stale indoor office ego cloak, and be earthed.

I am also the mother of two human daughters and one three year old boxer puppy.  They are mentally exhausted from being at school all day, have homework, music lessons, and want to zen out watching YouTube videos, play Minecraft, and watch Dr. Who.  I want them to experience the importance of regular physical exertion.

In our everyday life we practice speaking kindly to each other, and respecting boundaries.  After spending the better part of thirty minutes herding gloves and helmets, cancer baby is wrapped in every imaginable comfort.  The solid stable Capricorn teen is still searching for the dog harness, where does that always go?  We barely make it out the door before dusk has descended.

Nothing tests our pact of loving kindness more than our four entirely different personalities, wants, needs, heading out away from home with the awareness that we will be gone and not able to come home for 

One full hour

It is not only me against that road, but the four of us against ourselves.

This is where Enola’s roots shine.

This is where she feels her own oneness with nature.   

Her pack mentality teaches us to run together, to respect our space, our pace, and each other.

to marry

last night i dreamed i married chaos

in a short sacred ceremony

i was breathless exhilarated

i wore a flowery flowing white dress

there was an invisible ring around my finger

 i adored it

my known serenity ended quickly

each morning our ceiling caved in

crashing down on our breakfast

in the afternoon our sons built

log fortresses on the beach

laughing as the sky cracked open

waves crashed over us all

every evening i walked against

traffic of humans headed home

he never recognized me

until i hugged him

i think it was because

his mask was too big

he massaged my back

every night

until we both fell asleep

found and not lost

I just found this saved draft dated August 25, 2013 10:14pm.

I can't sit with raised voices.

You say you love women.

Ladies. Girls. Whatever we choose to call ourselves.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

You want to make us happy,
To prove to yourself you are a capable man.

You want us to play out a role,
Fulfill a need you never had met.
You forget we have our own dreams.
You forget we are capable of making our own choices.

In the chaos you cannot control,
You lash out in anger.

Out of respect
Out of love
We acquiesce

Lost in your own dark rage
You forget your responsibility
To your power

You inflict
You infect

Wounds in our vulnerability.
Wounds that no western medicine can heal.
Wounds that make us turn to magic.

Unable to look at anger.
Unable to hear your pain.
Unable to accept our own impotence to change the course of your own life.

You broke down all walls.
You stole our innocence.
You ran off with our dreams.

You smashed our sea glass hearts on the pavement just to watch the sun glint off the shards.
The reflection of supposed power.

I cannot stomach your violence.

You want to cram your insipid search for righteousness down our throats.

You should save some for yourself.

In your duality,
You feed the wolf with teeth that bites your hand.

My body wants to expel that negativity in one vomitous retch.

Your screams smashed all the bricks I built as a child.

And I,

I am left with nothing.

In your ignorance
You do not see.
Nothing is all I need.

I will cry
I will dance
I will sing

And sweat
And bleed

Over
And
Over

My whole body will shudder.

To rid
The hollow
Debris
Left in your wake

It is not mine.

It does not belong here.

I will wash it out down the river.
I will hang it on the wind.
I will burn the images from my minds eye.

In the sun

When I lift my chin
To gulp down
The nourishment
My soul is starving for

In gratitude,

I will whisper my wish on the wind.

Let me go.

i know i do

I used to photograph myself to convince someone to love me.
It was expected that I would wear a corset, fishnet of some kind, gloves...
A ball gag always received immediate response.

But of course, that was not lasting love.
It was not even lasting lust.

How can someone love you
When you don't even love yourself?

How can someone respect you
When you don't even respect yourself?

I got caught up in his lie that if I did not love and accept his apology
That I was a hypocrite or worse.

I conditioned myself to love at all costs
So that even now, I know no other way.

Some would say, "Wait until you are attacked, and see how much compassion you have."

I was.  I did. I am.

The more I see you struggle, the greater my compassion grows.
I see it in every eye.
I hear it in every word.

People crave more than anything
To be seen
To be heard
To be understood
To be loved.

I know I do.

And now I know where to find it.

night terror

I have nightmares.

Terrifying dreams that I am awake.
 Only to wake up into another dream.
Another dream in which I am asleep.

Last night I dreamed of him.
Of you.

I dreamed I couldn't start my car.
Try as I might, the engine would not turn over.
And I wanted to go.
I was ready.

I became frustrated.
Screaming with the full force of my rage.

Screaming always reminds me that I am asleep.
My subconscious mind trying to wake my conscious self up.

This has become very familiar.
I could hear myself screaming to wake up.

Wake up I did.
I had been sleeping in the backseat of my car.
He was driving.

It was dark.
I couldn't see where I was going.

I realized the reason I couldn't start my car
Was because I had been asleep the whole time.
And he.
He was driving my car.

...
I let that really sink in.
...

I could not move forward because he was still in control.

I give myself the best advise in dream.
My soul.
Dear universe,
Is the best teacher.

The lesson here is two-fold.
The first is that I know I can wake myself up from a dream.
Awake or asleep.

The second lesson is
I am aware now
Aware that I was still asleep
Letting my past drive my future.

I started to force my screaming.
It is really hard to scream in reality
When you are still asleep.

I screamed and screamed
Until I could hear my faint whimper.
I could feel my soft pillow.
I could feel the cold
Where my blanket had slid off
Of me in the night.

I opened my eyes.
In the darkness of the night
Stars shining brightly out my window
I could not tell the difference
between the lightness of day.

Somewhere.
Someplace.
He is still out there.
You are still out there.
I send my love
daily

Those moments in the day
I still see
I love you

I see I am driving my own car.
I feel it startle to life.

My voice past fear of the darkness.
My sound with the courage of all that I am.

before you go

before you go

king lionheart

crystal crown heavy and bright

rest your head on my chest

legs intertwined

so we don’t get lost in the night

breath hot on my cheek

your strength draws out my meek

your magnetic eyes

hover over me

before you go

will you let me sit in your lap

will you tell me a story?

before you go

whisper to me

the things you are afraid to say

before you go

let me hold your face

kiss away your fears

before you go

will you make me scream

make me sing

make me move

burn me up in the fire of your passion

before you go

will you let me sing you a song

gently rock you to sleep

let me hold your thumb nail

let me bake you a cake

scratch your fingers across my skin

while my hands are hopelessly tangled in your hair

let me taste your tongue

let me taste your smile

i want to be selfishly selfless

in love with you

i needed to do this for myself
i needed to take my time
i needed to be gentle with myself

i needed to let you go
to prove that anything is possible

that sweet release is real
as real as the dream you brought to life
each day at dawn
as real as the sun to me
as real as the moon smiling on us