i know i do

I used to photograph myself to convince someone to love me.
It was expected that I would wear a corset, fishnet of some kind, gloves...
A ball gag always received immediate response.

But of course, that was not lasting love.
It was not even lasting lust.

How can someone love you
When you don't even love yourself?

How can someone respect you
When you don't even respect yourself?

I got caught up in his lie that if I did not love and accept his apology
That I was a hypocrite or worse.

I conditioned myself to love at all costs
So that even now, I know no other way.

Some would say, "Wait until you are attacked, and see how much compassion you have."

I was.  I did. I am.

The more I see you struggle, the greater my compassion grows.
I see it in every eye.
I hear it in every word.

People crave more than anything
To be seen
To be heard
To be understood
To be loved.

I know I do.

And now I know where to find it.

night terror

I have nightmares.

Terrifying dreams that I am awake.
 Only to wake up into another dream.
Another dream in which I am asleep.

Last night I dreamed of him.
Of you.

I dreamed I couldn't start my car.
Try as I might, the engine would not turn over.
And I wanted to go.
I was ready.

I became frustrated.
Screaming with the full force of my rage.

Screaming always reminds me that I am asleep.
My subconscious mind trying to wake my conscious self up.

This has become very familiar.
I could hear myself screaming to wake up.

Wake up I did.
I had been sleeping in the backseat of my car.
He was driving.

It was dark.
I couldn't see where I was going.

I realized the reason I couldn't start my car
Was because I had been asleep the whole time.
And he.
He was driving my car.

...
I let that really sink in.
...

I could not move forward because he was still in control.

I give myself the best advise in dream.
My soul.
Dear universe,
Is the best teacher.

The lesson here is two-fold.
The first is that I know I can wake myself up from a dream.
Awake or asleep.

The second lesson is
I am aware now
Aware that I was still asleep
Letting my past drive my future.

I started to force my screaming.
It is really hard to scream in reality
When you are still asleep.

I screamed and screamed
Until I could hear my faint whimper.
I could feel my soft pillow.
I could feel the cold
Where my blanket had slid off
Of me in the night.

I opened my eyes.
In the darkness of the night
Stars shining brightly out my window
I could not tell the difference
between the lightness of day.

Somewhere.
Someplace.
He is still out there.
You are still out there.
I send my love
daily

Those moments in the day
I still see
I love you

I see I am driving my own car.
I feel it startle to life.

My voice past fear of the darkness.
My sound with the courage of all that I am.

before you go

before you go

king lionheart

crystal crown heavy and bright

rest your head on my chest

legs intertwined

so we don’t get lost in the night

breath hot on my cheek

your strength draws out my meek

your magnetic eyes

hover over me

before you go

will you let me sit in your lap

will you tell me a story?

before you go

whisper to me

the things you are afraid to say

before you go

let me hold your face

kiss away your fears

before you go

will you make me scream

make me sing

make me move

burn me up in the fire of your passion

before you go

will you let me sing you a song

gently rock you to sleep

let me hold your thumb nail

let me bake you a cake

scratch your fingers across my skin

while my hands are hopelessly tangled in your hair

let me taste your tongue

let me taste your smile

i want to be selfishly selfless

in love with you

i needed to do this for myself
i needed to take my time
i needed to be gentle with myself

i needed to let you go
to prove that anything is possible

that sweet release is real
as real as the dream you brought to life
each day at dawn
as real as the sun to me
as real as the moon smiling on us

to soar

Apparently there is nothing quite like a 365 project slap in the face.

Where does my day go that I cannot post a picture and write a few thoughts.

I think the trouble still is that my thoughts are many and intertwined, however that is the whole purpose of this project. To practice speaking out.

So, with a week's worth of diligent work, I have cleared the cluttered corners of all of my rooms to make space for the new. In so doing, in exhaustion, I have come to the realization that I am finally in a good place to be for awhile. The word coast came to mind, but it has a lazy connotation. I was at my river spot photographing damselflies (they are getting friendly with me) when a huge commotion sounded upstream. Time stood still. My senses were overwhelmed. My ears heard the air from each feathered stroke. I felt the wind as a red tailed hawk soared so close then swooped up and over my head. He showed me, as if I had forgotten, how fierce it felt to fly. And then I knew. All I really need to do is let go of any remnants of the past, remove-delete, it has all been cleaned and gleaned. This moment I have been preparing for is here. I have lost some friendships and it really is quite sad. There were days I cried for you, in remembrance. No matter how much I still care, those times are gone. I am not the same person I was a year ago, I am not even the same person I was two months ago. The changes they come so quickly. I cling to my compassion.

It can be confusing (and exhausting) to constantly be bombarded with those who might oppose. I don't understand anyone that claims to have compassion for all, when they really mean compassion for some. I don't understand those who claim to love, as long as they get what they want. When you love someone for who they are, you support their journey out of respect. Because if you only love when things are easy or when the light shines your way, that is only selfish love. Which is fine, as long as you are clear about it only being love to stroke your ego. But will you be? You can lie to yourself as much as you want, but the truth will always be there staring you in the face.

I also do not understand those who question my compassion, or feel the need to test it. Call me different from anyone you have ever met, then expect me to treat you the way others have in your past. I do not understand when people say to me, "would you rather I lash out in violence?" Why does this even occur to people? I feel sick just having negative thoughts.

I do not understand how words from someone I do not know can fill me with such sadness, such anxiety, that I feel physically sick. Go ahead and test, go ahead and doubt. It is because of these people that I get a chance to practice speaking up for myself. I can prove to myself who I really am. I do not need words of projection from anyone any longer. And that feels really good.

These last few months I have so many regrets. I feel like I have aged four years in four weeks. I won't be the same. There is no going back. Nothing to long for, no comfort. But there will be peace.

growing towards the light

What would you do with freedom?
Would you feel free?

Free to feel every emotion.
Free to fall.
Free to stand.
Freedom to speak.
Freedom to be silent.
Freedom to find understanding.
Freedom to practice patience.
Freedom to be aware.

Joyously, drunkenly aware.
For better or worse.

Free to live, really live each moment in outrageous joy.
Free to make your life into a work of art.