Does your family have a SAFE word?

On the phone with Kailin last night, I hear her frustrated voice.  “No, Cassidy!  I can’t right now, I’m talking to Mom!”

My response, “Lena, please remember to talk nicely.”

We have had this conversation many times.  Our feelings are important.  We have every right to speak about them to each other and be understood.  We respect emotional boundaries.

Just because one of us is upset, does not entitle us to step on the feelings of another.

We are a family.  We appreciate our love for each other.  We are grateful for our time and the unique qualities we each bring to the circle.

I hear this adult version of Kailin’s frustration every day.  “Can’t you see I’m busy!”  The one ego frustrated at not being the center of attention, the other ego so excited to share that other things became oblivious.  Of course they did not see, otherwise they would not have interrupted.  

Does that warrant being snapped at?  The answer is a resounding NO.

I am filled with such excitement and gratitude that I have this chance to build my world of compassion and understanding from the inside out.  My daughters will have a strong foundation of respect built with as many tools as I can find to pass on to them.  My journey of self-exploration has become a crusade in their honor.

We talk.

I have heard it said that there are two sides to every story.  I respectfully disagree.  I believe there are four sides to every story. There are my feelings, and my perception of how you feel (or how I think you should feel) and your feelings and your perception of mine.  Sometimes these perceptions may be aligned, but often in an argument they are not.  Each person may become exasperated at having to defend their point of view.  Defensive at being overlooked or snapped at.

Instead of speaking out harshly, in our loving respectful family, we speak nicely to each other.  We talk calmly about our boundaries and have confidence that they will be respected because we practice every day.  “Boundaries” is our safe word.  When it is said it is not mocked,  or ignored.  Everyone gets a chance to speak and be understood. 

The people outside our circle of three are not always aware of their transgressions over our boundaries.  But we teach them with our kindness and respect.  We practice what we preach.  We live it.  And in this way we multiply the flow of love that surrounds us and the lives we touch.