The Struggle: What I know versus what I feel.
My soul searches the past for the answer to my pain. My subconscious tells me I already know the answer. My anger and resentment hold me back in fear that he may be right.
My instinct tells me to trust myself instead. And therein lies the rub. I do not trust myself. I made mistakes in the past and paid dearly for them. I sacrificed, hoping to build something sacred, only to have it ripped out of my tiny hands.
The questions consume me.
Didn’t I love enough? Didn’t I try hard enough? Was I compassionate? Empathic? Deserving? Of course all of the answers are yes. But when we’re lost in abuse, our vision is too clouded, the truth too obscure.
I set boundaries that were disrespected. I was screamed at, called every name imaginable (and some very unimaginitive), and criticized for everything I did or did not do. I tried to talk about it. I was put down. I cried and was mocked. I locked myself in the bathroom, laid on the floor and tried to close my wounds like a wolf presses her seeping gash into the earth to stop the bleeding.
The isolation grew my shame.
His words became my “NOT” mantra. I am(not) a selfish fuck. I am(not) a condescending mother fucker.
His words were loud, mine were quiet. Two months later, his words still scream in my head that I will never be good enough, never deserve love, understanding or respect.
I am a quiet person. But my words deserve to be screamed out, just as much as anyone’s.
That is why I write this. To give a voice to anyone who struggles with the shame of verbal abuse. Anyone who is afraid to believe that you are good enough, you are worthy.
This is just the beginning of my struggle. I am not there yet, but I’m stronger than I was yesterday. Until I get there I find the universe sending me positive affirmations everywhere I look.
That is what I hope to share with you.
Wow this is amazing. You can help so many people.
ReplyDeleteWhat a true inspiration to so many woman.
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