When you are stuck sitting low on the ground, unable to peel your teary eyes from the clouds rushing by, lift your beautiful chin and take a deep breath.
You are not going to be okay, you are okay.
Breathe in again, and as you exhale, feel the negative energy being pushed out through every cell in your body. It does not take conscious effort; the negativity does not belong there. Your body wills it out. After every breath, feel your body responding to the spaces in between. That is where you and the universe become one. We all need to take that time to reconnect. That is where you find your strength, that knowledge that life pulses through your body for a reason.
If you are living with someone who is verbally abusive, the argument between what you hear and what you believe can be exhausting.
You may have found that you take care to memorize every single word that is said, so that you can try to reconcile the words with the actions to make sense of the chaos. It never adds up. No matter how many times it happens, you are always left alone. Shocked. Frustrated. Disappointed. Confused about what to do next or how to resolve the conflict.
“I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms of books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer…” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke
As in the mythical story of Medusa, the only way to solve the problem is to look in the mirror.
Everything begins with you. You must learn to love yourself before anyone else can. Be selfish. Take care of yourself. You deserve it. Build up your reserves of strength by building boundaries mentally, if you cannot do it physically.
Power is not limited. It is the weak person who thinks they must take it from others to better themselves. Strong people know power is everywhere.
Find the things that fill your heart, your way.
In my lowest moments, I found myself lost without someone telling me what to do, what to wear, what to say, or how to be. I started looking for my pre-relationship self. I listened to the music I used to love. I made playlists of my favorite songs and put them on repeat. I turned it up and sang it loud.
I read through old emails. I scoured Pinterest saving every inspiring, beautiful photo I could find. I wore clothes that I loved whether or not they were sexy. Whether or not they matched. I fixed my hair the way I liked and refused to wear makeup. I went through quite a rebellious phase with my outward appearance, just because it had been so criticized. Eventually I found that I felt the best when I looked my best, but it was on my terms. Not expected.
I did all the things I wanted to do, but couldn’t when my controlling “partner” was around.
After all, this was the moment I was waiting for. The chance to be accepted as I truly am begins with me. I reveled in my solitude. I first floundered in it, until I found the current to push me forward.
And you can too.
It is easy to get caught up in the fast paced chaos of living with an abusive person. I expected things to be corrected as quickly as they arose. That was the biggest mistake I made. I did not allow myself to feel the pain inflicted on me. The highest respect you can give yourself is the luxury of wallowing in your pain. Do not be ashamed of it. Feel your pain to learn from it.
“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up.
People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
~ Jim Morrison
Allow yourself to be moved. Read. Arm yourself with knowledge. Learn how to breathe and when you think you are stronger, take more time. As Finnisk Odair said, “It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together, as it does to fall apart.”
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